Life goes on

I couldn't stop thinking about her this weekend. I don't know why. Perhaps writing about her brought her from the back of my mind, into the very front of it. The difference between now and then is that I no longer pick up the phone to call her or fill pages with words that I'll mail to her. I still have piles of stationary that I know I'll never use. Words I know I'll never say.

The difference now is that I think of her and I don't have to feel destroyed, alone or feel that lump in my throat that made it difficult to breath. Do I love her? Of course I do. Am I in love with her? I cannot be in love with someone I no longer feel like I know. If anything, I'm in love with a memory. Nothing more.

I know I will never see her again. I can't say that it thrills me to know that, but I can say that I'm at peace with it. Some loves you just have to let go and remember them only for the way in which you grew in them. If there's one thing I've learned this year, more than anything, is that life goes on. People die, people go away ... and life ... goes .... on.

I promised her that we would go to Italy for her birthday this year. In 7 days, I'm making the trip without her. I'm holding up my end of that promise. There's no doubt that I'll think of her when I'm on the streets of Rome and Florence, when I'm seeing all of the beautiful sights I dreamed of seeing with her by my side. I'll pause, reflect and then I'll walk and enjoy.... because as I said.... life goes on .... and so do I.