This is the first semi-successful photograph I take of Orion. It was after 10PM and under 20 degrees outside. My fingers were aching from the cold and I didn't have my tripod so I kept getting too much shake. Finally I got a decent one. Now I'm inside drinking hot cocoa and falling in love with it all over again. Anyone who knows me knows how enamored I am with Orion.....
"Betelgeuse, Betelgeuse"
The call came Christmas morning.
"Merry Christmas...."
Shortly followed by a "Do you know who this is?"
Of course I knew who it was. I'd know that voice anywhere.
Thirty minutes later I hung up the phone and felt peaceful.
I never expected to hear your voice again, but if I had to hear it again, it couldn't have been a better time than Christmas morning - when I was already missing you so damn much. I find I still love waking up to you, even when it's just a voice. My heart only beats that way when it has something to do with you.
Acceptance is what allows me to love you, reminisce and achieve my goals all at the same time. For I no longer fill my head with unrealistic hopes. I no longer deny that I love you. I haven't for quite some time. You are and continue to be the only love of my life. Everything but that will change.
Thank you... for making my Christmas just that much sweeter. For one day you were mine again. The next day I continued my life without you...
Christmas with my family is the best. We open our presents on Christmas Eve at 12am and then we finally go to bed at around 5am. We get up at 8am and open more presents then get together at my sisters for a delicious breakfast. This year was very different without Seth. His absence was definitely felt. We love you....
Enjoy the pics....
 |
| Christmas 2008 |
My beautiful mother turned 63 today. After all these years.... she never ceases to amaze me.
Te amo madre mia.
I am an awesomely evil aunt who enjoys scaring the sh*t out of my nephew and making a video about it.
My niece Bailee is a happy, peace yielding football player. My nephew Michael...an angry, fire starting neanderthal.
Kids and their games :D
I have a thing for Chinese Food from China Wok on 106000 South and Redwood Road. My family frequents this restaurant so often they know us by name and by order. When I walked into China Wok by myself today the boy taking the order (his name is Ray) said "Only you today?" I said, "Yes, can you believe it!" He giggled then proceeded "Will you be having the Kun Pao Chicken today?"
...He knows me too damn well :D
I love peanuts and spicy chicken...
The thing about my nieces and nephews is that they never run out of fun and sometimes idiotic ideas. That's exactly why I spend 92.345768% of my time with them :D
This was our trip to IKEA (they "tried-out" every model room) where we got plenty of stares and sometimes giggles from other shoppers :D
It was really weird not having Seth around this year. Karen and I were tasked with making his delicious stuffing. "LOTS AND LOTS OF SAGE" that's what he always said, and that's what we did this year. It turned out delicious though not quite as delicious as his. "Seth would be proud of us" I told my sister. She smiled.
Thanksgiving was Seth's favorite holiday. I can't begin to imagine how this Thanksgiving felt for my sister...
I like to think he was there in spirit watching us stuff our faces, lots and lots of sage included :D
We put the Christmas tree up at my sisters last week. We missed Sethie but made the best of it with jokes, Christmas music, stories and fun pictures:D
LOLZ! Justin sent me this video today and it pretty much made my whole day :D
Effing awesome.
My dear friend Emma. She loves to come to work with her shirts inside out. I'm beginning to think it's no accident, but rather more of a habit on her part. I believe she wakes up in the morning and INSISTS on making a fashion statement. She may view it as a method of self expression but I, on the other hand, feel that she should quit reading whatever Manual of Style she's been devouring at night and stick to proof reading and correcting english grammEr. Emma, you see, I'm even willing to keep you occcccupppied.
I love you anyways. Handsome boy, please help her. Get her a night light, a mirror, aything to help her see that the little tag on the back needs to be against her skin :D
XoXoXOOOXooo
I voted for change today. It was my first time voting. I became a US Citizen in September 2008.
I was nervous, excited. I couldn't sleep last night.
I voted this morning. Afterwards I called my mom and thanked her... for everything that she did that made this day possible for me.
I voted for change today. I cried as I walked back to my car. I cried because for the first time in my life I felt passionate about a politician, I cried because I could vote for him, because I felt in a sense - complete as an individual in this country - with a sense of belonging. I cried because I sincerely felt that my voice mattered, my voice spoke up, I raised my hand, I gave my opinion, I let it be known - on a ballot - that I want change....
Voting is a right I'll never take for granted....
My family and I are obsessed with Nacho Libre. We quote this movie entirely too much but it's just so FANTASTIC! Jack Black melts my face off with his wrestling style and FANTASTIC dialogue! Go on, watch it.
I had a teal colored swimsuit when I was young. I also had a belly and I think I stood funny and never made an effort to "suck-in." I still remember what it feels like jumping into the Riverton City pool. The coolness of the water spreading from head to toe. Thinking to myself "ahhhh this is what summer is all about." The sting in my eyes, the bubbles out of my nose, the weightlessness. I loved the feeling of the summer heat on my wet face, slowly evaporating each drop of chlorinated water.
I remember many things about growing up in Utah. My light blue bike with white tires, our red pickup truck with the revealing woman painted on the hood and my father painting appropriate undergarments on her so as to not shock or offend the congregation at church on Sundays. I remember getting my pinky caught in the blender while trying to make play-doh for the first time in my life, or the first time I saw a green rock. I'd seen brown and black rocks. Never a green one. I assured my brother it HAD to be worth something. He laughed at me and threw it in the bushes and I spent what felt like hours looking for my little treasure. I never did find it.
Most of all, I remember our first Christmas in Utah. It was 1987 and we got a Nintendo that year. It was by far the coolest present EVER. I can still recall running down the red carpeted stairs and hearing the sound of Super Mario Brothers blaring from our black and white TV set. I felt lucky. Lucky to have a family, lucky to have a home. 13294 South Redwood Road, that was our first home here in Utah. A tiny two bedroom duplex where my four siblings and I shared one bedroom. In a town, where 21 years later I still find myself residing in, feeling luckier than ever before... and with my own room now :D
I had a dream last night…..
I found myself living in a cave, many people lived in these caves on the edge on a huge orchard. I didn't understand why we lived in caves, stealing from each other to survive when we knew damn well we could return to our modern homes. Still, in my dream... we CHOSE to live in these dreadful caves.
One morning I went to the edge of the orchard and I found out why we chose to live this way. As I stood there I saw the most incredible sunrise of my life. The sun didn't rise gradually in these parts the way we're accustomed to…. Instead, the sun rose instantaneously, immediately delivering it's beautiful, shimmering golden tones behind the huge orchard of trees….. THAT is why we chose to live as animals in caves…. So that we could stand at the edge of this orchard every morning and see the most beautiful landscape known to man.
So, in spite of the struggles, in spite of the darkness we feel sometimes...there's always a light in our lives that makes everything worth it...
What are you willing to sacrifice for the beautiful in your life?
I couldn't stop thinking about her this weekend. I don't know why. Perhaps writing about her brought her from the back of my mind, into the very front of it. The difference between now and then is that I no longer pick up the phone to call her or fill pages with words that I'll mail to her. I still have piles of stationary that I know I'll never use. Words I know I'll never say.
The difference now is that I think of her and I don't have to feel destroyed, alone or feel that lump in my throat that made it difficult to breath. Do I love her? Of course I do. Am I in love with her? I cannot be in love with someone I no longer feel like I know. If anything, I'm in love with a memory. Nothing more.
I know I will never see her again. I can't say that it thrills me to know that, but I can say that I'm at peace with it. Some loves you just have to let go and remember them only for the way in which you grew in them. If there's one thing I've learned this year, more than anything, is that life goes on. People die, people go away ... and life ... goes .... on.
I promised her that we would go to Italy for her birthday this year. In 7 days, I'm making the trip without her. I'm holding up my end of that promise. There's no doubt that I'll think of her when I'm on the streets of Rome and Florence, when I'm seeing all of the beautiful sights I dreamed of seeing with her by my side. I'll pause, reflect and then I'll walk and enjoy.... because as I said.... life goes on .... and so do I. 
The words are in Spanish
The Melody beautiful.
It says everything I want to say but will never say...
SIEMPRE
Nicho Hinojosa
Solo Dios sabe
cuanto te he buscado y no te alle,
busco en tu mirada
por si hay una minima señal,
no pienso rendirme
ya son muchos años tras de ti,
este amigo te ama
eres el sociego
que la vida le nego
CORO
Tengo amor que llora triste
porque no te puedo amar
me has quitado media vida,
es amor sin completar
como flecha sin un blanco,
como invierno sin llover,
como barco en un desierto,
como fruta sin comer.
Solo dios sabe
cuanto me a dolido este dolor,
de verte con otro
de ser confidente y nada mas
con el pensamiento
muchas noches fusiste mi mujer
tu palabra siembra
mi fiebre amorosa que no tiene a donde ir
CORO X2
Tengo amor que llora triste
porque no te puedo amar
me has quitado media vida,
es amor sin completar
como flecha sin un blanco,
como invierno sin llover,
como barco en un desierto,
como fruta sin comer.
In order to continue on, I have to start where I last left off.....
I have to admit that it feels a bit awkward to cycle back through the last year of my life. However, I can't really speak of where I am without speaking of where I've been.
Seth.
We lost you to melanoma this year and the yearning for you has not diminished in the very least. Just last week I watched my sister shed a tear for you as she watched an old couple hug and sway to the sound of a beautiful song. She either imagined it to be you and her, or she thought of how that would never be you and her in this life. Perhaps she thought of both. I love and miss you and were you here in front of us, we'd never stop holding you.
Your passing has brought us together in unimaginable ways. I spend so many hours with your six children and my sister. I've given up my life as I knew it. My weekends are no longer about clubs and friends. Instead I spend them acting like a child with your children, lending a shoulder to your wife. I haul the kids around when Karen is at work, taking them to school, taking them shopping, having sleep overs, cracking jokes.... anything to see them smile. According to James, I make the house "fun"... If I'm away for too long I get the phone call asking me to come over. I love every second I spend with them. We talk about you all of the time. Some days, I still can't believe you're gone.....
I'm forgetting the way you sound, the way you move.
I'm forgetting the feel of your hands, the scent of your skin.
I'm forgetting the way your mouth moves when you talk, the way you blink, the way you walk.
I've lost you too many hurtful times. I feel this will be the last. When the remaining idiosyncratic bits of you fade away.... you'll only be a face, a statue, a photograph. I once memorized every mole on your face, every scar on your body, the swirls of the hairs on the nape of your neck. Now I can't remember if the scar we named is on your left or right hand, I no longer feel you... I've forgotten what it feels like to hold you.
I'm recalling less and less the things that reminded me of you. My house has slowly forgotten you, your things left behind have slowly found their way into boxes tucked away to collect dust. I guess it's like loosing you yet again, this time for good.
"The depth of life will dim my temptation to live for you....."
For the first time since loosing you, I feel genuinely happy. I love waking up every day. I go days and weeks without tears. I have found all of the beauty inside of me and nothing makes me happier. I am making things happen that I never believed I could do. My life is solid, my ambitions plenty, my determination incessant and my heart stronger than ever. Yet it saddens me to forget, but I'm thankful I had the chance.
I'll never forget your name or how I felt loving you. I was better because of it. I'm still better because of it. I can only hope.... that you got something out of loving me too, and may you never regret loosing me...
